Women’s bodies are judged everyday by men, women and the children they raise. No one judges, convicts, more swiftly and harshly than we judge ourselves. By using the same negative words and behaviours that infected us against ourselves, we in turn become serial self abusers.
Celia’s Secret Confession
Celia: It’s hard for me to talk about this. By this, I mean me, the way I look. You probably already have made judgements about me because of it. How I behave, whether I’m active or lazy, smart or stupid. I know what you’re thinking. I’ve seen that look thousands of times. You want this to be over as soon as possible, don’t you? People like you don’t like to give people like me the time of day.
I’m sorry. I’m not here to accuse you or blame you for the way I’ve been discriminated against. I’m here because I recently realized I have become one of those people. I have become just like the people who can make me feel like shit about myself without saying a word to me. I can do that all myself, every waking moment. Every degrading thought I’ve ever heard about me, I think of myself. Every repulsed glance I’ve gotten, I give to myself. I am my own abuser. In fact, I consider myself to be a serial self abuser.
Of course I don’t want be like this. I want to ‘love’ myself. Honestly, I have no fucken idea what that is. I’ve read books about doing shit for myself. As if writing things I like about me, getting a relaxing massage, or going to a therapist who recites treatment from text books about my childhood is actually gonna work. Well, it doesn’t work! I know because I tried it.
I just want it to go away. Why won’t it go away? Why can’t I be like everybody else? Why can’t I be normal? Why can’t I be the pretty one? Are you listening to me?
QB: Celia, who was the first person to lie to you? Who was the first person lead you to believing you were less than you are?
Some Me of Beauty
by Carolyn Rodgers
I took a good long look at myself in a full length mirror
Sometimes it’s good to look in a full length mirror
And what I saw was not some soul sister poetess of the moment
But I saw just a woman
Just a woman feeling
Just a woman human
And what I felt was
What I felt was a spiritual revelation
And what I felt was a root revival of some love coming on
Coming on strong
And I knew then, looking in a full length mirror,
That many things were over
And some me of beauty was about to begin
Reporting confessions one blog post at a time,