As a young adult, I was aware of boys and men giving me second looks in public places, similar to the way my friends and I behaved when an attractive man crossed our view.
Naturally, we would also came across men who didn’t trigger eye popping encounters. Speaking strictly for myself, because those men didn’t excite me physically, emotionally, or chemically, I don’t remember them. What I do remember is that I didn’t ridicule them or turn them into a piece of meat.
Back then, I had not idea that 4 years later in my future, I would go from feeling good about myself to feeling silenced, ugly, and ridiculed. I became powerless in every way.
Renuka’s Secret Confession
Renuka: I just watched Lily Allen’s music video ‘Hard Out Here’.
Even before she starts singing in the video, I was immediately transported to a memory 27 years where I was on the operating table having an emergency Caesarian Section under an epidural (anaesthetized lower body). I was fully conscious and the conversation between the team in the room consisting of the obstetrician (male), my GP (male), 3 nurses, and anesthesiologist (male). One of the men started a discussion about my body. It was about my size and my thighs and legs. It wasn’t positive. One of the nurses attempted to defend me but I sensed the hierarchy didn’t permit her to voice much in present company.
As I lay there listening to the trash talk about my body, completely naked and vulnerable from the waist down, awaiting the birth of my first child, I vividly remember holding back the tears and trying to focus on having a healthy baby in arms instead. I held back the tears because I didn’t want them to know they could hurt me with their words. After all, my life and my baby’s life, was in their hands. I felt completely powerless.
But the truth is they did hurt me, not just then but for years, maybe even now.
Their words entered my ears, took up residence in deepest darkest corner of my mind where I had been hiding all my physical insecurities and started to multiply like rabbits. I, a 23-year-old young woman was robbed from experiencing the miracle of life. Instead, I was being graded like a piece of meat on a butcher’s table.
I feel furious that so many people in power and authority aren’t held accountable for their words and actions because of their position. I’d like to believe that if back then I was the woman I am today, I would include myself in the conversation about me.
My highest-self approach could be after taking the oxygen mask off, “Excuse me for interrupting doctors, surgical team. Could you please reserve your discussion of my body to the staff room later. It’s hard for me to focus on my baby while I’m being ridiculed”.
My bitch approach, “I can hear you mother trashers! How would you like it if the situation were reversed? Would you prefer I trash imperfect parts of your body or making sure I give you and your baby the best care I possible can?
The world desperately needs great leaders in every walk of life. What woman, man, or “bitch” is willing to step up to learn how to lead?
Reporting confessions one blog post at a time,